Integration of ‘Amen’ and Awen
As a child, I was taught that God loved us so much that he taught us through the Bible the RIGHT way to live, to worship him, to love each other, to pray, to be good little stereotypical girls and boys…and that the wrong way had eternal consequences. There was a Son, a Son brighter than the sun..and to believe he was the Son was the way to stop the Devil, who was surely, readily, greedily beating down my door, his hot breath ready to burn me for eternity. I did not see that God had any daughters, only a Son. This was something that disturbed me in its unacknowledged presence…like a blood stain.
These were my actual thoughts, the ideas that formed in my innocent child’s imagination…that came from the stories and messages told to me at church.
In all those Sundays of sitting on the hard wooden pews in church…my most prevalent thought when I was 5 years old, was…
‘God would throw me away if I made a mistake. If I said the words wrong, if I misunderstood, if I prayed wrong, if I was a bad girl, because I am only a girl, not the Son…but the Devil really really wants me. Why doesn’t God want me that badly too? Why would he throw me away if I wasn’t perfect? Because I am a girl? Why did he make me this way, and then not want me?’
Then I thought
‘maybe the Devil is making me think like this. Maybe I am not thinking good enough thoughts. Maybe if I was a Son, I would think good thoughts…God please help me think good thoughts…AMEN!’
When I became of age, I was given the choice of taking communion to belong to the ‘right’ religion or to an apparent path of certain destruction. I chose the latter… I couldn’t reconcile that God loved me and would ask me to twist myself into so many knots just to please Him…and the rules always seemed to change. I always wondered if I had it right, waiting for this apparent judgment day to find out if I was accepted into His inner heavenly realm. I could not accept that idea of God which seemed to make up laws at whimsy simply to control my behaviour. A God who made rejecting me a real possibility.
At Sixteen, I thought
“Who really benefits in me thinking I am unworthy daughter, a weak woman, that I must follow rules to be saved from my wickedness…’
Who Indeed? Were these thoughts of unworthiness spoken from the voice of my Creator, who created me in perfection?
I walk the path of honouring the Creator and Creation. I have never had the same wondering or self doubt…is it ‘right’, am I thinking the right thoughts, praying the right way, am I good or evil….these thoughts do not resonate. I love the microcosm of Creator – that is me, myself as myself, as a perfect creation of the Macrocosm Creator.
I know that my heart has grown compassionate in all the places I have walked on this soul journey. That compassion has shown me love in all the places I felt lost. I deeply feel and resonate with the Christ that was being heralded through the stories of Jesus. As I live and embody compassionate love, many aspects of mind are sacrificed and are burned away. What is left is distilled essence… NATURE. My wildness is what saves me. That is where the truth grows and thrives. That is where I see my own suffering and know it isn’t real, even if I have invested so much belief in the suffering.
Now I am aware that I choose what I wish to make real with my beliefs. I am making choices which distill my heart essence.